Dear whomever

The Olympics version.

Dear Bela Karolyi,

Would you please stop with your comments about the size of the female Chinese Olympic gymnasts? In case you didn’t notice, some of the Japanese gymnasts are pretty small, too. But they weren’t kicking your team’s butts, now, were they? Also, I saw Shawn Johnson hugging a couple of members of the Chinese team and they towered over her. Are you sure Shawn Johnson isn’t really eight? Because I was taller than her when I was eleven. Seriously. Thank you.

Dear Spain. And Argentina,

I understand that people can be world-class athletes and still be flawed human beings. But really, the Olympic team members are representatives of your countries. And it’s bad enough to have those team members show themselves to be ignorant without compounding it with an inability to keep their mouths shut.

Here are simple, easy-to-follow directions for when you are accused of being offensive: 1. Shut the f*ck up. 2. Then say “I am really sorry.” Please note you should only say those words as written (you may carry a crib sheet if necessary). At no time should you attempt to add any justifications or the word “if” to the script I have provided. 3. Then shut the f*ck up again.

By the way, it isn’t just about who you “offend.” It’s about reinforcing white superiority. If you want to learn a little about what that means in the United States, you should come live here for a while. Then you might learn that many people will assume you’re an illegal immigrant and less than human. But hey! They don’t mean anything by it! Thank you.

Dear television newscasters,

Focusing on what you think is strange and exotic about China just makes me think that you don’t get out enough. Also that your education in the United States was sorely lacking. And if you are going to talk about places in China, maybe you could bother to learn the pronunciation. Thank you.

Dear Comedy Central,

Quite often I’m not sure if you successfully negotiate the line between satire and racism. But having Rob Riggle pull up the corners of his eyes and make ching-chong noises just felt like racism. Hipster racism, but racism nonetheless. Did you note that people are laughing mostly at the ching-chong bit? Thank you.

Dear newspaper grammar police officer,

I bet you were one of those kids who whipped through those reading cards in third grade but got low marks for comprehension. Because maybe you would understand that “He” is a Chinese last name. Thus, when a newspaper reports on “He’s tenacity” or something of that sort, you just look like a moron when you write and say, “That should be HIS tenacity. Where are the editurs?” Thank you.

Dear non-Chinese-speaking people,

For some reason I get really annoyed when I hear you limited-to-one-language folks complaining about how people in China don’t speak English. Hello! It is China! In any event, you are more likely to find somebody in China who speaks English than you are to find some non-Chinese person here who speaks Chinese.

But if you want to test out the hospitality of a country, go to a hotel desk (a store, a restaurant) in the United States and speak another language and see how far you’ll get. Thank you.

Dear Newsweek:

Why did you title that article, “China’s Agony of Defeat: It’s impossible to understand what the Games mean to the Chinese without understanding their history of humiliation”? I note that you dropped lots of italicized, romanized words throughout: bainian guochi and wuwang guochi and whatever.  You missed your chance to tell us how to correctly pronounce them incorrectly, though.

Let’s get this straight: The Chinese have suffered from a history of humiliation? This from a U.S. publication under the Bush administration? Did you see the headlines on some of the other countries’ newspapers when Bush won his second term? Now that’s humiliation. Thank you.