Subtitled: Ways for Barack Obama to make that elusive white voter like him and believe that he is just like one of them.
1. Re-name the children. Suggestions: Jenna and Kaitelyn. Or maybe Madison and McKenzee. You know how white people are fond of those funny, made-up, misspelled names.
2. Learn to bowl. And drink beer and eat pizza while you’re doing it. Buy your own bowling shoes. Only losers rent.
3. Get an ugly white wife. A good-looking black one just isn’t something most white male voters can empathize with.
4. Move to Lincoln Park. Lots of white folks there. Make sure you run along the jogging path. Get a tee-shirt that has a gym shoe logo on it. And get a funny looking little dog and tie a kerchief around its neck and have it run with you. It should wear tiny little boots when it rains.
5. Stop playing basketball. And get some kind of nerdy-looking special assistant, not some good-looking ex-baller like Reggie Love. (I read somewhere that Obama really does downplay his basketball prowess and habits since he doesn’t want to appear to be a stereotypical black guy.)
6. Eat pork rinds. And cheese fries. And cheese steaks. Basically, eat anything that is deep-fried and is sure to give you a cholesterol count in the 300’s. Gain a little weight while you’re at it, because the average white American male weights around 190 but is shorter than you are. You can’t be an average Joe if you’re rail thin.
7. Maybe drive around in a big tour bus with some country-band-looking logo on the side. Make sure it has lots of stars and stripes on it. McCain has the “Straight Talk Express,” where he “candidly” puts forth his views and shoots out racial slurs. You can see how much the press loves him for it. Take a hint. Pick Asians for your racial abuse, because nobody really cares if you say the g-word.
8. Demonstrate that you’re not just an Average Negro. Do something really spectacular, like go to Harvard Law School or something. Oh, nevermind, guess you have that covered. On second thought, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. Because you’re kind of elitist, aren’t you? Plus nothing white people hate more than suspecting a black guy is smarter than they are. Maybe you could point out that you were just an affirmative action admit. Better yet if you could claim to be a legacy.
9. Join a white church. Maybe like the Westboro gang.
10. Think of things you can do so that white people will exclaim, “I never think of you as a black guy!” These will have to be very white things. Maybe you can get some white advisors to help you with this, since I can only think of stuff like eating Wonder Bread with mayo.
11. Think of things that you should not do so that white people will not be reminded of your blackness. Hmm, I have absolutely no thoughts on this one.
12. Ditch the “Once you go Barack, you never go back!” tee-shirts.
In any event, you should be able to handle this, because everybody knows that white people’s perceptions of black people are strongly based on how each individual black person presents him- or herself. So they should be able to see you, the real you, and not your race. You’ve transcended. Congratulations. And good luck.