And seen it before too

How it usually goes:

White adoptive parent* posts screed as first comment.  Said screed may include, but is not limited to, ad hominem attacks, comments about angry people and a burning desire to tell off those folks of color.

[Comment is edited and white adoptive parent is directed to helpful links.  Think of the children!]

White adoptive parent gets very angry and goes around the internet telling everybody that we are mean.  And racist.  And we are a very bad blog!  Plus we are liars!  And all they were doing was civilly disagreeing!

White adoptive parent writes long personal blog post about how they have tried really, really hard but they wrote a nice comment and those racist people of color wouldn’t publish it.  Their blog readers commiserate.  What’s a good white person to do?  It’s so unfair.

Rinse and repeat.

Just once I wish somebody would surprise me.

*In all fairness (because we are nothing if not fair even though we are dark-skinned), there has been one white adoptive parent who apparently took something we said to heart.  I also assume there are many who sit on their hands and don’t respond even though they have strong reactions.  But dear heavens, must so many people be so predictable?


15 thoughts on “And seen it before too

  1. I wish that the APs you refer to would not spoil it for the rest of us. There ARE a lot of us sitting on our hands, quietly mulling things over. But you might not realize that because we DON’T make an angry blog post.

    Sorry you have to deal with so many shitheads.

  2. I am a white adoptive parent who reads your blog regularly and takes in everything that is written. I really appreciate everything I learn here. I know other adoptive parents who read this blog and think it is very important. Just wanted to let you know that we are out there listening and learning to help our children, even if we don’t make comments.

  3. Sigh…

    I’ve been on the receiving end of correction before, here and elsewhere on the internet, in places where I should have been listening and learning before opening my entitled white mouth. I have to say that RR is one of the less forgiving places to make that mistake.

    But that’s what most of us need in order to wake up and listen. To have someone tell us, loudly and clearly and in a disgusted, impatient tone in which most of us aren’t used to being addressed, “No. NO. You are NOT right, not even a little bit. Your white privilege will not be coddled here and you don’t have a right to spew your ignorance in someone else’s space. Here are the facts, come back if and when you’re ready to get with the program.”

    Thanks, resistance, for sticking to your guns. I have had plenty of eye-opening moments reading this blog. I still have to check myself when I find I’m resisting an idea or issue that you present: Is it because I don’t really [want to] think it’s an issue? Is it because I am actually PART of the problem? Your certainty forces me to reconsider. (I should note, lest I sound like a doe-eyed groupie, that there are still viewpoints we don’t share; my mind is open but not empty.)

    I don’t comment a whole lot, but I do take what I learn here and use it in real life. So when you are dealing with the millionth “I’m a new white adoptive parent here, just want to barge in with my uninformed and offensive viewpoint”, know that we are paying attention so that a) we don’t do the same thing, and b) we can take on those people ourselves.

    (I’m not quite sure how this turned into an Ode to Resist Racism but I rely on and discuss it quite a bit and just want you to know.)

  4. One of the things that white APs can do more of then is not be silent when they agree with Mr. Resist. or simply get into the fray if someone is doing the usual apologetics for their obtuseness and delusions of white supremacy.

  5. Rachael your post made me laugh a little. I’m a Filipina adoptive parent (although most folks assume I’m white which is a whole other headache) and I feel the same way! I almost always agree with everything I read on RR and try to analyze what’s going on with me when I feel defensive.

    One thing white APs need to start realizing is that it’s not about them. Once you make the decision to adopt it has to be about what’s best for the kid. If that means being uncomfortable then so be it. Imagine how it feels for your child to be plucked from everything they know to be right up until that point just so you can be a parent. Talk about discomfort!

  6. I mostly read this blog, rarely do I visit adopt blogs, so I didn’t see what you are referencing, I give you a lot of credit for your tireless and devoted time for the kids, Resistance, and funny, I really don’t see you as the least forgiving at all. In the last post about Faith, I gave a lot of thought to the points that you raised, you are so good at deconstructing for me, thanks.
    One thing that really does burn me up about Wo Ai, is that, given the trauma of adoption, meeting a stranger who will be mom, losing her foster family, all that trauma and fear, I just don’t get how any mother could even think of letting all that be filmed. For me, that is the very worst thing, even worse than some of the foolish things that she did.

  7. Just want to say that I am a white adoptive parent who is a regular reader and I keep coming back for what I can learn here. I try not to comment very much in places like this because it’s YOUR space and I am NOT the expert on these topics, but tenacitus makes a good point – I will try to be more obvious in my support so the clueless white APs don’t assume they speak for us all.

  8. Not that you need yet another of us in the chorus, but here’s another WAP who has decided to shut up and listen, and visits faithfully in search of your perspective. I frequently don’t like it, and once in a great while I even think you are off base, but I always find much to think about.

  9. Like Melanie, I am an Asian AP. I recently discovered this blog and it’s quickly become one of my top blogs to read. I’ve learned a lot about adoption issues, but it’s hard for me completely swallow everything because even though I am Asian, I am also an AP. A lot of posts and subsequent comments have opened my eyes in many ways. I’m very grateful to have found you.

  10. Thank you for this blog, I come here regularly. I read mainly race-related blogs and only sometimes dabble in adoption blogs, but I can imagine what kind of thing you are referring to in this post. I am not a parent, but am considering maybe adopting someday, possibly transracially. I am white and I am listening!

  11. Those who try to be quiet and listen are intrinsically harder to count… but there and grateful to you nonetheless.

  12. late to the party- another WAP- who reads but doesn’t speak for many of the same reasons stated above. When I read this blog I often feel a burning sensation around my privilege and pride- sincerely appreciate this blog and the effort it takes. So will my children, hopefully.

  13. Sorry, I was venting. Did not mean to turn this into a “Who loves resistance?” post. Although maybe a post of that nature would be good once a week or so. ;-P

    I guess I am just depressed by the sameness of the actions each time. About unwillingness to hear voices that may someday be their children. But especially about the need not just to defend and deny, but to attack and to destroy.

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