Dear whomever

If you would only acknowledge my superior rightness most of the time, things would go much smoother.

Dear attorney,

I appreciate that you thought something I wrote approximately five years ago about citizenship merited a broader audience.  However, I noticed your name was the only one on the byline.  You are worse than many college students when it comes to plagiarism.  At least they usually try to rearrange the words.  You, on the other hand, lifted entire paragraphs and mixed them with your own shitty sentences.

It would be nice if I knew who provided you with my writing, so I could go break their knees.  Thank you.

Dear white person,

If I express a concern, I prefer not to receive a condescending response about how you have thirty years of experience.  It will tempt me to say, “Only thirty?  I thought you were much older than that.”  In any event, what the fuck does thirty years of experience in an unrelated field have to do with racism?  And did your experience actually cause any change or growth, or did you just experience it?  Please inform.  And note that next time you do this I will send you a copy of my credentials.  Thank you.

Dear white woman who beeped and angrily shouted at me on a busy street,

Is it sexist that I felt the burning desire to yell “Bridezilla!” at you?  Because when I am driving 45 mph (actually, I think I was going around 55) and somebody suddenly pulls out in front of me, I typically stop.  Even if I am right in front of the entrance to the Big Bridal Store.   And if traffic then slows to a crawl, I will not be able to move.  Sorry that you could not left turn as a result.  Do I get extra points for not shouting any obscenities?  Let me know once your face stops being purple.  Thank you.

Dear white adoptive parents,

I do not enjoy arguing with you about immigration law, especially when you do not know anything but believe that you know everything.  Thus annoying those of us who do.  Seriously, if I can quote stats and talk about specific cases by name, might you consider I actually know something about the subject?  Or is it impossible to think that a person of color might know more than you?

Frankly I do not give a shit about your opinion.  But I think being your kid probably sucks.  Just get him the certificate of citizenship already.  Thank you.

Dear brother,

Yes, I know we were participating in what I once heard referred to as “the whitest sport of the century.”  This is not really my fault.  It is not your fault either.  But I felt kind of sad to see that you seemed to go out of your way to avoid eye contact.  Yes, it was weird to have people assume we must be related.  But it was weirder to be avoided by both white people and you.  Please advise.  Thank you.

Dear white person,

I really could not help smirking when you tried to cut in line in front of me and the person behind the counter told you off.  Did you notice that she was smirking too?  Please take notice of the new world order.  Thank you.

Dear blog readers,

Typically I am amazed by the attention paid by you all to the Dear Whomever series.  Quite often I try to write posts that are thoughtful and informative.  I also link news I think is important.  And yet what do you all appreciate?  Things I write late at night off the top of my head.  Ingrates, all of you.  Thank you.

6 thoughts on “Dear whomever

  1. Sometimes your true genius only shines at 3 in the morning!

    Seriously though, I love all of your posts, and the news items are truly useful.

  2. Your pet peeves and experiences are different from those of most people (usually white people), yet they are very understandable when you explain them.

    I am also glad that I’m not imagining that white people sometimes cut in front of me when I line up.

  3. I am one of those ingrates writing to thank you. Here I go to appreciate these wonderful gems. I woke up at 4 and was not able to go back to sleep. Imagine my delight at seeing these wonderful notes to bring a smile on my face. Sadness too, but somehow your blogs always seem like a little bit of revenge- even if they never know about it- it’s still there.

  4. *grin* A bit ago a had a white woman blatantly cut in front of me in CVS. When I was sitting there wondering how irritated I planned on being (sleepy as all and it was one of those days where my irritated points was spent iykwim) and if I wanted to say something the cashier was all like “<_<, you know there was somebody here first right?". Complete with perfect side eye. That made my night.

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