The driving at 70 miles per hour edition
I do not want to glance out the window while driving on the highway and see you working on your laptop, which you have precariously balanced on your steering wheel. Thank you.
Dear lawn service employee,
Please tie down your wheelbarrow if it is the back of an open bed pickup. Also, please do not look at me like I am crazy when I beep and gesture because your wheelbarrow has flipped out of the back of the bed and is hanging by its handle. Thank you.
Closing your eyes because the wheelbarrow has flipped out of the back of the truck will not stop it from crashing into you, if it is in fact destined to do so.
Dear ipad user,
While I think the ipad is very nice and has multiple uses, I had never envisioned anybody using it to watch a video while driving. By holding it at arms length. Please save the movie until you get home. It is easier to eat popcorn while sitting on the couch. Thank you.
Dear porn aficionado,
I thought portable DVD players were meant for the back seat of the car. You know, in case you had a bunch of kids back there. But in that case, you wouldn’t be watching porn, hopefully. It is extremely disturbing to notice that you are watching porn on the highway. Especially since I can’t see your hands. And also because there is an occupied child seat in the back. Please refrain until you have some privacy. Thank you.
Dear best friend,
When I tell you the story about the porn guy, please do not tell me of all the times you witnessed men gratifying themselves from the vantage point of your monster truck. Thank you.
Dear texting neighbor,
This is the second time you have blown through a crosswalk where I am walking with the signal and you were texting. Today I noticed your small child was unrestrained in the front seat and was texting as well. I thought natural selection would have made your genetic line obsolete. Alas. Please move to a different neighborhood. Thank you.
Dear surfer dude,
I am not really sure, but I think there must be some law about driving with one leg sticking out of the window. Also I think it might cause an accident, because I felt this strange compulsion to keep staring. If you value my well-being, you wouldn’t do this. Thank you.
It cannot be good to drive more miles in the past few days than you normally do in a month. Please consider trading in your car. You could get a really good bicycle. Thank you.