[N.B. This is a rant and as such needs only commiseration, sympathy and agreement. Thank you for your understanding, and please don’t make me whack you over the head.]
You may not know this, but dogs are social animals and enjoy company. As such, a dog should not be locked in a house for a couple of weeks with somebody merely coming by to feed it and to let it out twice a day.
Also, I do not want your attention-deprived dog leaping on me with excitement and glee when your housesitter opens the door, nor do I wish to clean up the prodigious amounts of fecal matter it leaves behind on my lawn.
If you want something living that you can ignore without consequences, try a Chia Pet. Thank you.
Dear lady at the library,
Don’t you think I notice you doing that sneaky thing where you stand next to me in line and next thing I know you’re standing in front of me? You’re not the first white lady who has thought of that. At least have the good grace to be embarrassed when I call you out on it. Thank you.
Dear dinner guest,
Please do not use your unwashed hands to sample bits of food off the serving plates, picking off a bit of meat here or some crumbs of cake there. I am quite fussy about food sanitation and in addition I am grossed out by you licking your fingers and then returning them to some food I have labored over to pinch another disgusting bit off. You might get a hint when I offer you a plate. Thank you.
Why have you not sent some nice tech geek to the blog to read my sound problem and respond at great length with many helpful hints? You has never failed me before. Please come through. Thank you.
Dear neighbors (again),
Please do not put your trash out two days early because you are going to be out of town on trash day. In addition, could you perhaps purchase a trash can? Because when you use flimsy plastic bags, animals like to tear through them to get at all the stinky goodness you left behind. Also, putting lots of styrofoam peanuts into those same bags was really not a good idea. Please come over to vacuum my lawn post haste. Thank you.
Dear health care provider,
Why do you keep insisting that I owe you $5? Really, that’s a ridiculously small amount of money to bill. Yet I paid it promptly and you still sent me a “third notice” and a ominous “warning” about collection. Also, how many times do I have to send you proof of payment? Pretty soon I’m going to have used $5 in stamps alone to contest your error. Please get your act together. Thank you.
Dear lying tech-toy rebate,
I am reporting you to the attorney general’s office. I know I should have googled you before I purchased that item that seemed like such a great deal after the rebate. If so, I would have known that Office Depot is a notorious cheat and this is a widespread problem. Send me my money now. Thank you.
Dear internets (again),
I am bored. Quite possibly, as my mother used to remark when I would say this, it is true that I am boring as well. Please send me some interesting links to read. In case you haven’t noticed, I like to read critical analysis of race and racism. Also I like to watch funny videos on you tube. Thank you.
Dear different lady at the library,
I thought librarians weren’t supposed to express opinions about items that patrons borrowed. But it was pretty clear you didn’t think much of Fahrenheit 9/11. When I asked you what you were thinking, how can you say “I wouldn’t take a walk with Michael Moore to the trash can” when you admittedly have never seen any of his documentaries? I personally feel that many of the world’s woes are caused by people who are only too willing to form opinions without using any critical thought. Please try applying some. Thank you.
Dear Michael Moore,
Now that I have seen Fahrenheit 9/11, I have to say that I think you used lots of pictures of turbaned guys in kind of a racist way. But how do I know that’s not intentional satire? Please respond. Thank you.
Dear blog readers,
Comments! We desire comments! Thank you.