Dear whomever

[N.B. This is a rant and as such needs only commiseration, sympathy and agreement. Thank you for your understanding, and please don’t make me whack you over the head.]

Dear neighbors,

You may not know this, but dogs are social animals and enjoy company. As such, a dog should not be locked in a house for a couple of weeks with somebody merely coming by to feed it and to let it out twice a day.

Also, I do not want your attention-deprived dog leaping on me with excitement and glee when your housesitter opens the door, nor do I wish to clean up the prodigious amounts of fecal matter it leaves behind on my lawn.

If you want something living that you can ignore without consequences, try a Chia Pet. Thank you.

Dear lady at the library,

Don’t you think I notice you doing that sneaky thing where you stand next to me in line and next thing I know you’re standing in front of me? You’re not the first white lady who has thought of that. At least have the good grace to be embarrassed when I call you out on it. Thank you.

Dear dinner guest,

Please do not use your unwashed hands to sample bits of food off the serving plates, picking off a bit of meat here or some crumbs of cake there. I am quite fussy about food sanitation and in addition I am grossed out by you licking your fingers and then returning them to some food I have labored over to pinch another disgusting bit off. You might get a hint when I offer you a plate. Thank you.

Dear internets,

Why have you not sent some nice tech geek to the blog to read my sound problem and respond at great length with many helpful hints? You has never failed me before. Please come through. Thank you.

Dear neighbors (again),

Please do not put your trash out two days early because you are going to be out of town on trash day. In addition, could you perhaps purchase a trash can? Because when you use flimsy plastic bags, animals like to tear through them to get at all the stinky goodness you left behind. Also, putting lots of styrofoam peanuts into those same bags was really not a good idea. Please come over to vacuum my lawn post haste. Thank you.

Dear health care provider,

Why do you keep insisting that I owe you $5? Really, that’s a ridiculously small amount of money to bill. Yet I paid it promptly and you still sent me a “third notice” and a ominous “warning” about collection. Also, how many times do I have to send you proof of payment? Pretty soon I’m going to have used $5 in stamps alone to contest your error. Please get your act together. Thank you.

Dear lying tech-toy rebate,

I am reporting you to the attorney general’s office. I know I should have googled you before I purchased that item that seemed like such a great deal after the rebate. If so, I would have known that Office Depot is a notorious cheat and this is a widespread problem. Send me my money now. Thank you.

Dear internets (again),

I am bored. Quite possibly, as my mother used to remark when I would say this, it is true that I am boring as well. Please send me some interesting links to read. In case you haven’t noticed, I like to read critical analysis of race and racism. Also I like to watch funny videos on you tube. Thank you.

Dear different lady at the library,

I thought librarians weren’t supposed to express opinions about items that patrons borrowed. But it was pretty clear you didn’t think much of Fahrenheit 9/11. When I asked you what you were thinking, how can you say “I wouldn’t take a walk with Michael Moore to the trash can” when you admittedly have never seen any of his documentaries? I personally feel that many of the world’s woes are caused by people who are only too willing to form opinions without using any critical thought. Please try applying some. Thank you.

Dear Michael Moore,

Now that I have seen Fahrenheit 9/11, I have to say that I think you used lots of pictures of turbaned guys in kind of a racist way. But how do I know that’s not intentional satire? Please respond. Thank you.

Dear blog readers,

Comments! We desire comments! Thank you.

9 thoughts on “Dear whomever

  1. [unofficial]
    :nodding: Wellllllllll!! :lather, rinse, repeat: ROFLOL!!

    [official]
    I hereby officially offer my commiseration, sympathy, agreement, understanding, and comment. Please don’t whack me over the head :-).

  2. Don’t you think I notice you doing that sneaky thing where you stand next to me in line and next thing I know you’re standing in front of me? You’re not the first white lady who has thought of that. At least have the good grace to be embarrassed when I call you out on it. Thank you.

    Oh my god, some white lady did that to me (and the older Chinese couple ahead of me) a while ago at the post office – I thought she was just dotty but … oh my god. I’m – I’m really angry about that now. And officially commiserating with you over the stupidity and arrogance of white people. >.<

  3. You need chocolate/foot massage/insert other relaxing, comforting therapy here. Alternatively, you could try calling a friend… :)

  4. HA! and ha! (rest assured, I am laughing at them, not you.) OMG, I have thought of doing something similar after being away from The Internets for about a week — so many annoying people, so little time to write about them. Also, being away from the THe Internets means I have no interesting or insightful links to send you. I just posted about my dogs, for Pete’s sake.

    I work in a library, and I’m appalled at the librarian with the MM film! Your neighbors would cause me to have neighbor rage.

  5. Commiseration only:

    I seem to be cursed with neighbors who neglect dogs. I watched a puppy die in the heat once while I was on the phone with animal control begging them to come and do something about it. (The owner had threatened me for trying to give it water.) Animal control finally came just as the puppy was expiring.

    Now that we live in a dogless apartment building we are cursed with rude and mean neighbors who do things like look out the window at a white woman with two kids of color, who is knocking because she got locked out of the security building. They then close their curtains and refuse to answer the door. In the winter. When it is cold out.

    There is much drama around our shared laundry facility as well. We yearn to live in a house, next door to people who neglect their dogs but at least we could have our own dogs (and laundry machines) to love.

    That library lady should be shot. Or at least severely disciplined for breaking a very big etiquette rule of librarianship. I bet she is the same librarian of my youth who, when seeing me checking out a book she did not approve of, would take it away and give me a book I didn’t want.

    I have mixed feelings about Michael Moore. I think Roger & Me was his best work because it was ballsy and fresh. Now that he is famous, I think he unnecessarily overreaches and manipulates information and people, not unlike his radically conservative counterparts, and it hurts his credibility. With me anyway.

    Here is a funny video (at least I laughed both times I watched it.)

    a href=”http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=164438&title=open-discussion”> An Open Discussion About Race

  6. We always seem to get neighbors with cats that like to crap on my snapdragons.

    …which are below my kitchen window.
    …and the feces smells superbad.
    …and i can’t open my kitchen window for some fresh air because the air is not fresh but kitty-shitty.

    The internet is staring to get on my nerves, yet here i am, on the internet. Your page does not get on my nerves. i’m speaking generally. Anyway, though i’ve no links i’d like to recommend 2 good books to you, both nonfiction: The Book of Embraces by Eduardo Galeano is one of my favorites. Red Azalea by Anchee Min spurred me into research on Maoist communism. i used the internet. After an hour i feared that the FBI would show up at my door any moment and haul me away.

    The world is so frustrating.

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