Dear whomever

The purge edition.

Dear self,

Why exactly do you still have so many textbooks? Do you really believe they are good for anything? If the bookstore wouldn’t buy them back, they probably didn’t have any value at all and you shouldn’t have been dragging them around for years. I realize this is too late but maybe you could apply this same thinking to other items besides textbooks. Thank you.

Dear craigslist,

I regret to inform all of you crazy people, including the one woman who e-mails me every single time I post on the “free” list, that I am busily discarding my books. I put one or two a week into the trash so as to keep it from being too heavy. At this rate I must live until the year 3000. Maybe I’ll be seeing you again after all. Thank you for your continued desire for my discards.

Dear elderly relatives,

Did you not learn anything at all by being wrenched from your dangerous, crap-laden house? Why do you continue to shop at Costco? Will two people really eat ten pounds of grapes? I hope so. Then maybe you won’t tell me constipation stories. Thank you.

Dear parents,

I know that you lived through some very bad times. I remember, because I lived through at least a few of them with you. However, why did you internalize (and cause me to internalize) the belief that some things were too good to be used? Honestly, it just makes me really sad to find that you had beautiful and new things stashed away when we used crap (and often used crap) all our lives. Please turn over a new leaf. Thank you.

Dear 756 people on craigslist who all wanted the free specialized items I gave away,

It truly pains me that each and every one of you could not get something for free. Really, I might have been able to divvy the things up. But they were more valuable to one person as a set. And I honestly liked the one person who got the items, whom I picked by selecting the least crazy-sounding e-mail. I am sorry that some of you are out of work and want to start a new trade and it would have helped you to get all my free stuff. By the way, if you have a gross and obscene e-mail address I probably won’t ever e-mail you back.  You might want to think about changing it if you are responding to job ads online.  And hello to the guy I went to high school with. Bet you don’t remember me, do you? That is good. Thank you.

Dear next-door neighbor,

Are you still pissed off that I did not give you the free items? You might not realize that I had a deadline to get rid of them, and I didn’t want to wait until you “made room” for them in your overstuffed garage. Also I feel you probably need to go to a psychologist. There is something seriously wrong with a person who rents a storage unit to save used magazines and newspapers. Thank you.

Dear self,

Please read the above letter. And then think about those copies of journals. Thank you.

Dear resist racism readers,

You might be entertained to know that last week I shredded my high school self. I decided yearbooks are not really worth keeping, especially after I flipped through them and they reawakened bad memories. It is very therapeutic to put things in the shredder.  Too bad I couldn’t include some of those folks.

Additionally, it might interest you to know that I had misremembered an incident from long ago. Or maybe there was more than one news article.  Because I found an old newspaper that had the top three students listed.  And it did state that the white student was salutatorian.  What does that mean?  Please inform.  Thank you.

Dear mother,

I understand that you are trying to get rid of stuff, but why did you choose to get rid of my trophies that have been on the mantel for the past who-knows-how-many years? I was planning to include them in the corner of my office that I refer to as My Personal Corner of Affirmation and Validation.  So far it has a plaque I won in a sports competition.  I did not want the plaque to be lonely.  Thank you.

Dear self,

I doubt if anybody will care that you won the science fair when in middle school.  I suppose you could add the awards to the Personal Corner of Affirmation and Validation.  But that seems like reaching, even for you.  So do you think you could throw out the certificates and ribbons?  And what about the letters from your state senator congratulating you on national merit?  Do you think you are going to take them with on a job interview or something?  Get serious.  Thank you.

Dear mother,

I see you have retained your bowling trophy.  How interesting.

Dear Christians,

Why do you like to give gifts that are in accordance with your belief system but not with mine?  And why did I feel compelled to keep them?  Obviously I did not want many of them, since one of the boxes was marked “Prized and valuable gifts.”  (I believe that was the box I left outside my apartment when I moved in the hopes it would be stolen.)

Seriously, do I look like the sort of person who would use a pewter platter with blessings on it?  A personalized name plate with a cross and a bible verse?  Not one, but two bibles?  A giant cross for mounting on the wall?  A stand-up cross for display?

And where the heck did my blue-eyed, blonde-haired Jesus wall plaque go?

I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell, because I threw all of these items out last week.  Thank you.

Dear autograph book,

Unfortunately, I plan to keep you.  You have the autographs of my dead grandmother and aunt.  In addition you have the autographs of several famous clowns.  I stared at the inscriptions with fascination and horror.  I am afraid of clowns.  But not my grandmother and aunt.  Thank you.

Dear friends from high school and college,

You will be happy to know that I have shredded all of your letters.  None of you have run for public office yet, but if you plan to do so, rest easy.  I also shredded many of the pictures.  Unfortunately my mother saw that one and I had to explain it.  Thanks a lot.

PS:  Do you think you might do the same?

Dear kid from grammar school who was later charged with murder,

I think about the time my best friend and I turned the tables on you and chased you home and you ran.  And I think about what a shitty home life you had.  And sometimes it makes me sad that instead of trying to beat the crap out of each other, we couldn’t have just been friends.

Dear internets,

Is virtual clutter as bad as real clutter?  What does it mean if you have 200 GB of crap on your computer?  And do I really need those back-up zip disks and CDs?  I know for a fact that several of the 2005 CDs have already become unplayable.  Please give me a response that will allow me to toss the lot.  Thank you.