Dear whomever

Dear neighbors,

There is a simple way to assure that your trash does not blow all over the place when it is windy.  It is called “tying the top of the trash bag.”  Please try it.  Thank you.

Dear SUV owners, particularly Hummer owners,

You own a SUV which was originally designed for waging war.  Therefore, I expect you to drive quickly and expeditiously over the railroad tracks.  Please do not suddenly slam on the brakes and then creep over the tracks with the hesitancy of a virgin librarian.  If I can drive over those tracks at 45 mph in my roller skate (overseas chinese made fun of my car!), you can too. Thank you.

Dear white lady at the coffee store,

I saw you sidling up on the side of me.  I fully expected you to step in front of me in line, using that patented Sneaky White Person Maneuver.  Imagine my surprise when the clerk asked who was next and you pointed to me.  Please let me know if it is because you are polite or because I have been practicing my Evil Eye.  Thank you.

Dear self,

What is the purpose of owning so many language learning books and CDs when you do not actually want to talk to anybody?  Please advise.  Thank you.

Dear librarian,

A neighbor whom I do not know very well informed me that there is one librarian at the library who doesn’t like our people.  I suspect it is you.  Is it really so difficult to answer questions in a polite manner?  Maybe you should have become an IT person instead.  In any event, if you don’t like my people perhaps you shouldn’t live in my neighborhood.  Thank you.

Dear neighbor,

I don’t know who told you I drove over your lawn.  But I did not.  Kindly take a look at the ruts and tears in your grass and compare the size of the tire to those on my personal roller skate.  Then take a look at the Hummer that is parked in the driveway next to yours.  It should all become very clear to you in about a day or so.  Thank you.

Dear world,

I suppose by now you might have suspected I have a bias against Hummer owners.  I must acknowledge that this is true.  I have not yet met a Hummer owner whom I have liked.  I imagine miracles could happen but I don’t expect them.  Thank you.

Dear good-looking age-appropriate person at the grocery store who was trying to chat me up,

Where were you several years ago when I had the time, energy, motivation and desire to hook up?   At this point I dislike suffering disappointment.  Thank you very much.

Dear ex,

You cannot imagine how thrilled I was to find out you have a blog with lots of pictures.  But I do not know what it means that I read the whole damn thing.  Also that you still look pretty good to me, although you have gained a lot of weight.  In case you’re curious, I haven’t.  Thank you.

Dear adult people,

I do not want to hear any of you use the word “tattle” ever again.  You may not remember what it was like to be a child who was mercilessly teased, but I do.  If you’d like to find out, I could demonstrate why no kid ever teased me more than once.  Thank you.

Dear can of garbanzo beans,

Why did you have to roll and come to a stop directly beneath the center of my car?  I guess I could have waited until I moved the car next, but I was afraid I would forget.  I already ran over a bag of doritos.  I don’t want to find out what it is like to roll over garbanzos.  Next time please stay in the bag.  Thank you.

Dear worm population,

Why are you suddenly all finding yourselves stranded on my garage floor?  I took pity on the first few of you and tossed you outside.  But I found I am now really grossed out to pick up worms.  This despite the fact that I used to make spare money in the summers as a kid by catching nightcrawlers.  (A dollar meant 100 worms.  I once made five bucks in a single evening.)  Please stay out of the garage.  Thank you.

Dear blog readers,

Why are you reading this post?  It only once or twice alludes to race.  I fear I have nothing interesting to say today.  If you would like to suggest topics, that would be good.  Or if somebody else is saying something interesting in the blogosphere, maybe you could point it out.  In any event,

Thank you.

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