How do you …
All right, culturally sensitive people, here’s a question for you: How do you ask somebody to repeat his or her name because you haven’t understood it?
Also, those of you assaulted by culturally insensitive boors: How do you respond and what would you like the person to say?
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Posted on April 21, 2009, in still thinking. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.
I’m ABC and I don’t think its improper to simply ask them to spell it. No repeated pronounciations or questions of origin. A simple spelling is plenty and if the spelling still does not clue me into the pronounciation I ask for the pronounciation again.
I usually say “Excuse me can you say it again?” and I repeat it back asking if it sounds right. If I have a hard time remembering it, I might ask the person to spell it if possible (I remember new words better when I see them). This is what I would like others to do, too.
I’m an immigrant in the US and my name is my bane: it is spelled like a very common English name, but it is not pronounced the same way. But for some reason, whenever people hear my name, they automatically see in their mind’s eye how it is written, and they say the English version back to me. An example:
Me: Hi my name is Koala.
Person: Goala?
Me: No, Koala.
Person: Goala?
Me: No it’s kind of similar, but… it’s Koala. Hear the first sound?
Person: Goala?
Me: Sure whatever.
(This happened to me twice last week. I swear, I felt like they were trying to convince me that my name was the version they kept on repeating back to me).
So: I usually respond by saying my name again by stressing the sound that the hearer obviously has problems in hearing correctly because they don’t expect the sound. If even after that the person insists on saying the English version, I just give up if s/he is not someone I am going to hang out with longer. If it is, I will explain briefly the history of the name and why it is difficult for English speakers to handle–and usually most of them get it pretty close to correct and at least try their best. Although my name looks simple to say, nobody but native or very near-native speakers of my language get it right. Or rather, people get it right in isolation, but when they speak sentences in English and put my name in there in between other words, it becomes a mixture of my “real” name and the English version. I’ve kind of learned to live with that. It’s much better than some people suggesting that I should make my life easier (read: their life) by choosing to pronounce my name with the English pronunciation. No way.
Sorry, went on with that one. But it’s been bothering me quite a lot.
My name is Bengali (I’m not, but my name is) and only 6 letters but sometimes, even my mother (who named me) messes it up. Most people think it has 3 to 4 syllables when it only has two or mispronounce it for a celebrity name that they’re more familiar with. At this point, I expect people to mispronounce it the first couple of times and don’t really mind because very few people have a similar name so I know who they’re referring to.
I wouldn’t advise asking anyone to spell their name, for the purpose of efficiency. Pronunciation is a verbal thing, and in my experience spelling my name has NEVER (no, not once) helped anyone pronounce my name. Just ask them to repeat the pronunciation (up to three times). After saying their name twice, they’ll probably give you a nickname if they have one (I don’t) or some tips on how to properly pronounce it (everyone breaks the letters up the wrong way the first time). Make sure you take the blame (can’t figure out a better way to phrase this) for not understanding their name and don’t make them feel like freaks because you’ve never encountered it before. Don’t shorten or change their name without permission and if you’ve already done it, you should at least ask if they mind after the fact.
I’m on Josh Chau’s wavelength – I always tell people having a visual helps me remember names and I ask how to spell it. My ear isn’t always so good in distinguishing unfamiliar sound combinations; if I have a visual of a name or word to associate with the sounds I’m much, much better. Also, my visual memory is much better than my auditory memory; when learning words or phrases in other languages, hearing them alone doesn’t work. It’s the visual of the word or phrase (or approximate transliteration of it into Roman characters) that cements it in my brain.
I just ask. I will repeat it until I get it, now since I’m bad with names I might forget it right after that, LOL…but still.
Most people are thankful that you took the time to figure it out, instead of brushing them off….which I’m sure is what happens more often than not.
My legal first name is Aryn, pronounced like “Erin.” I get some weird stuff, usually “Are-yen” or occasionally “Aryan.” That’s no good.
That’s why I go by my middle name.
I’m with Psychobabbler on the visual thing – much easier for me get words correctly if I have a visual – I had to see things in writing when learning other languages. That being said, that method doesn’t work so well if it’s a language where I’m not familiar with spelling-pronunciation rules, so it doesn’t work all the time, as Soude mentioned. (Spell a long Hungarian word and I can pronounce it, but spell, say, a Vietnamese word, and I may still screw it up.)
I usually just ask outright if they’d mind repeating, and then I say it back to them, and make sure I ask them if I have it right.
If I have to ask them to repeat 2 or more times, I’ll say something like, would you mind repeating it once more? I want to be sure I say your name correctly.
If I’ve really made a mess of it, I might apologize to them, let them know that it’s me that’s the issue, not their name. Also, thank the person for taking the time to address my language ineptitude!
I also think demeanor says a lot — if someone is acting embarrassed, uncomfortable, annoyed, whatever when THEY can’t pronounce something, that doesn’t help. I think just be matter of fact, and ask.
“I’m sorry, what was your name again?” And I cup my ear to indicate my hearing is faulty, which it is. Nobody’s ever been offended.
My 8 yo daughter has an Indian name that is quite common in India but not here. It’s a great when she meets an Indian person but not-so-great with everyone else. She has to spell it all the time and she hates even telling strangers her name. She’s been known to say “I have to go now” rather than go through it, yet again. Spelling it is the only way to clarify. But it gets very old for her. And there really isn’t much the asker can do to make it easier beyond basic civilities. But they can refrain from following up by saying “what kinda name is dat?” She will answer loudly and proudly that it is an INDIAN NAME BECAUSE SHE IS INDIAN IN CASE YOU CAN’T TELL. It hasn’t happened often but when it does, it is a serious conversation wrecker.
I heard someone say to another ESL speaker, “I need to listen better, can you repeat that?” I thought that was nice. But it probably did not make up for the fact that he has to repeat himself regularly and often to an irritable listener.
My last name is very challenging to spell and pronounce. Even when I married I kept it rather than change it. I am also hard of hearing. So I am used to asking people to say their name again, and I am used to having to spell or pronounce my own. One thing I cannot stand is if people call or ask for Ms. So and So and then they proceed to do so by spelling out my surname letter by letter. Even more hideous is when everyone else gets addressed by their last name and I end up on a first name basis with the speaker simply because they can’t be bothered. I prefer an honest attempt because at least they are trying. I also find I am worse at hearing the name on the phone because I can’t see the person’s face as they are speaking but that is my issue not theirs.
I simply try to make it clear that I want to understand. Seems to work out after that.
I agree with Ed – if the purpose of asking someone to repeat their name is so you can understand it and pronounce it correctly, I would hope most people would not be offended.
In my volunteer work – I have to do this regularly as I’m the guy that signs people up and I try to get to know them a bit. I usually see a persons name (first and last) written before I hear it. If I’m unfamiliar, I simply ask how they pronounce it. I’ve done this maybe 2 dozen times and every single person has smiled and been more than happy that I asked. I usually then tell them my name and tell them I’m glad to meet them. It’s obviously not couth to tell them how strange their name is, but there’s certainly nothing wrong with letting them know you are unfamiliar if the goal is to be come familiar.
I can see, however, that some folks might be tired of constantly having to repeat or spell their names.
Like most of the commenters, I just use a polite “Sorry, could you repeat that?” I usually feel like an idiot making people repeat themselves, but I’ve got early hearing loss.
I often feel bad for doing this, though, mostly because I empathize. My own name is pretty uncommon (I usually get “Callie?” repeated a few times before I give up and explain “Collie, like the dog”), and I have a Polish last name, so every time I’m in a class with a new professor, I have to go through the process of walking them through my name, in front of the entire class. It’s kind of embarassing, and I don’t want to put other people on the spot like that. I try to make the process as quick as possible, because no one wants to stand around all day sounding their own name out for someone.
I’ve totally given up, and I don’t care what people call me. I’d rather not waste my breath correcting every new person that I meet. Only when they ask whether they pronounced it correctly do I bother repeating it. If not, I’d let them continue to pronounce it incorrectly, since so many people do that anyway.
I have a huge problem remembering names, anyway.
Oh yeah.
Funny thing is, my Chinese name is common enough that people usually know how to Romanize it (and even put it into correct character form).
My English name, on the other hand… probably has like 6-7 different variations. @@
At work I sometimes have to ask people to clarify their names (if it sounds strange) but even with common ones you usually have to ask because people became so “creative” with variant spellings nowadays. :P
First, my own name, Kathy seems simple enough, but my real name is a Dutch version, teachers constantly misspelled my name, and I have been called at least 15 different versions of the name Kathy, even if I explain in person that my name is not Kathleen, or whatever, people continue to do so.
My mother’s surname is French, it was changed to make things easier, a P was added, and a J was changed to a Y, still, nobody says it right, I heard her yesterday explaining to somebody how to say her last name.
Now, on to other names, I had to get up on stage once and give out presents to a group of people and I wasn’t sure how to pronounce some of the names, so I actually asked somebody to go over the list with me, then at the last minute, the list got changed, it wasn’t fun. I feel embarrassed if I say someone’s name wrong, I do ask how to say a name I am not sure of, sometimes I try word association to remember the correct pronunciation.
I always love these topics, thanks.
I have to agree with the commenters who’ve said that a polite request to repeat the name seems to work fairly well, or in the case of not being sure how to pronounce a name I’ve seen in print, “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to pronounce your name. Could you please help me with that?”
I don’t mind if people ask me to repeat my name. Or if they ask me to spell it. But it’s better if they don’t say “What kind of name is THAT?” or “Oh, I can’t manage that.” What’s up with that latter comment? Like it’s not even worth the trouble to try?
Typically I also remember things better if they are in written form. I do find the written form tends to distort my aural memory of the pronunciation, if it isn’t obvious.
Lately, because I’ve been realizing the impact of being asked all the time is cumulative, I don’t ask for someone to repeat his or her name if there is an alternate source where I can get it later. For example, if introduced to a friend’s friend. I’ll just ask my friend later.
My new recent response to “What kind of name is THAT?” went like this:
Other person: What kind of name is THAT?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean.
Other person: Where is it FROM? You know, what nationality is it?
Me: Oh! It’s American.
Other person: American? No, you know what I mean.
Me: No, what do you mean?
Other person: I mean, what kind of name is it. It isn’t American.
Me: Sure, it’s American.
Other person: No, you know what I mean! What ETHNICITY is your name?
Me: It’s an American name.
Other person: How exactly is that an American name?
Me: I’m an American and that’s my name. Therefore it’s an American name.
;-D